Conspiracy theorists drive me batty. They distract everyone from the truth. Like those people who think the government brought down the World Trade Center on September 11. When the real cover-up is much more subtle. Everything happened exactly as government says it did… but on September 12. Memory is so malleable, we don’t even remember that. They shaped the media portrayals because it’s much easier to sell a war when the twin towers graphically line up with the date.
Yes, I’ve heard all the conspiracy theories about Michael Jackson. Murdered by Mark Sanford’s cronies to take the heat off the Argentina thing. Not really dead. Etc. All baloney. I’m something of a conspiracy theory debunker, and the facts are as plain as day. He overdosed on painkillers given to him by a doctor. One who happened to be in the deep pocket of the guy who’s been playing Paul McCartney every since Paul’s death in 1966. I mean that guy’s had a vendetta ever since Jackson bought the Beatles catalog and
hawked use of “Come Together” to Elmer’s. I’d be pissed too.
Of course the other big conspiracy theory this summer was that Obama wasn’t born in the United States. That his birth certificate is as forged as the Constitution. What a joke. This one is the work of Tom Hanks, high on his blockbuster Da Vinci Code documentaries. His people are already developing a script. Word is that he’s in a race with Robert Downey, Jr. to break the blackface barrier at the Oscars.
Sarah Palin must have been relieved to have the attention taken off her. That lady is a speculator’s dream-come-true: Trig isn’t hers; she secretly reads the Times. Leaving the governor’s office has sparked more rumors than ever: she’s starting a
WNBA franchise (the Wasilla Wombats); she was
fired by Donald Trump (his Miss Universe Organization being the true power center of the New World Order); she hopes to make more money marketing a line of
lipstick. Look, can’t we just stop assuming that there’s some elaborate conspiracy of detractors attempting to assassinate her reputation with lies, and just assume that there’s veracity to all of these claims? Occam’s razor, people.
And then with the 40th anniversary of the moon landing you had all these nut jobs doped up on fluoride claiming it was faked. I don’t believe it. Neither do I support Malcolm X’s contention that we never actually landed on Plymouth Rock. I have been to Plymouth, Massachusetts, and human civilization is clearly in evidence. Was he implying that all those souvenir shops selling pet Plymouth Rocks are staffed by space aliens? Perhaps suggesting that we didn’t land on the moon, but pieces of the moon have landed on us, sent through space from E.T. moon-miners to E.T. souvenir-vendors who pawn them off on us in an effort to increase the Earth’s mass so that it becomes too difficult for us to launch our fat asses out of Earth’s gravitational pull and discover their home world full of eager-tentacled virgins and glowing pet rocks?
No, no, no. Nothing will keep the Miss Universe Organization away from those tentacled virgins.
—Matthew Hutson
