When I was growing up, Carl Lewis was perhaps my favorite athlete. Something about the sprint and long jump just seemed so sleek and dynamic and pure. So graceful, so fleeting, so intense. And winning the gold in long jump in 4 consecutive Olympics? That's FUCKING NUTS. To me, Carl Lewis was untouchable.
Apparently I had forgotten a few things.
Click on FUN WITH CARL and you will be treated to a self-mocking chronological retrospective of Carl's hair (including The Hood Ornament, The Dead Beaver, and The Gumby); Carl's clothes; and a forgettable pop song ("Goin' For Gold"), including a mix with brain-deadening rap interlude.
For the icing on the cake... Do you recall Carl Lewis and the Electric Storm? For some reason he put the video for their 1987 single "Break It Up"
on his website. I have not been able to figure out this video. Carl is
working out in the gym, while singing of course, and an old fat lady
wearing clown glasses starts blowing bubbles on him. At first he's all,
WTF?, like the rest of us. But then he gets an idea. He invites her
into the hot tub to work his sweet lip magic on her shoulder. People
have suspicions that Carl has used the juice. In this case, the use of
juice is apparent. And by juice, I mean Funky Cold Medina. And by using, I mean gulping.
What happens next is beyond comprehension. Carl drags the woman into the sauna (sans sunglasses, mercifully), she winks at the camera, and she places a Do Not Disturb sign on the door. WHAT?!!!
We shouldn't disturb Carl and Madame Whorebag Elderpants, but they can disturb us? Now, I'm all for cross-race conferencing. I'll grant you that hyper-cross-generational negotiations can be touching in context (Harold and Maude is one of my favorite movies.) And all you ladies out there know cross-gender cross-prodding is nothing if not My Thang. But, seriously, what does any of that have to do with the song?
The lyrics go, "So reach for another hand, in a human chain." A nice sentiment, but does it really mean screwing the retarded in a public sauna? I imagine the human chain to be a sturdy one of steel, not the Christmas-tree-decking type made of construction paper links pasted together in a remedial kindergarten class. "We all have the power, to make a better world, yeah." That's very generous of you to tend to the sexual needs of an unattractive person of senility, Carl, but for a song meant to inspire, surely there are other directions you might have pointed your audience. Yeah.