Someone sent me to this website recently. It's a marketing site for a $14,615 exercise machine called "ROM The Time Machine," with the tag line: "Exercise in exactly 4 minutes per day!" They begin their pitch with: "OUR EXCELLENT ROM MACHINE HAS THREE BIG MARKETING PROBLEMS". They are:
1.)"4 minutes sounds too good to be true." They label this "just one of the annoying arguments we have had to listen to".
2.)"The very high selling price." Remarkably, this machine remains "the absolute least expensive method of exercise available for all income groups above the poverty line."
3.)Ridicule by "'experts'."
If they think there are only three big marketing problems, they are sadly mistaken. Let's catalogue a few more.
4.)It looks like a medieval torture device. Has anyone seen the NIN video for "Happiness in Slavery," where Bob Flanagan is pierced, prodded, and ground up by a mechanical chair? It looks like that.
5.)No pseudocelebrity endorsements. Ok, so Chuck Norris can't go endorsing competing products, but was Ralph Macchio's schedule too busy?
6.)Craptacular website. At the top it says, "Manufactured in California since 1990". Is that the machine or the website? Who designed this thing? And did anyone bother to proofread it? Heavens-to-Betsy! At least we know where that $14,615 isn't going.
7.)Hostility toward customers. See problem number one. I'm sorry that my seemingly reasonable inquiries are really just "annoying arguments."
8.)They put quotes around "experts." Occasionally they refer to experts (doctors and scientists) as "so called 'Experts'". I'm sorry, but to someone who believes in the "scientific" method, this just doesn't cut it.
9.)Okay, let's say you can condense a full workout into 4 minutes. This thing still doesn't break any laws of physics; your body needs to do the same amount of total work, expend the same amount of total energy. The prospect of cramming what is already 20 to 45 minutes of sheer misery into 4 minutes does not appeal to me. If someone offered me a perfect six pack just by ramming a searing metal rod up my anus for only 15 seconds a day (and for only $15,000) I would have to say "No, thank you."
10.)If you're going to build a machine that looks like that, call it "ROM The Time Machine," and charge $14,615 for it on the internet, you might as well add some crystals and sell it as a flippin' TIME MACHINE. You would surely get more buyers.