In researching for an article I assigned recently, I happened across an intimidating tag team of characters moonlighting as the faculty of The Southwest Finland Institute for Art, Craft and Design. Digging up some background info (via reconnaissance, surveillance, downloading of CVs) I've identified the all-stars from the troupe and assembled their profiles below.
THE THUGS
Esa Virko
Esa "Wild Bill" Virko, also known as "The Chair Wrangler of the North," demonstrates his perfected headlock technique on an unruly specimen. He's the reason the department no longer invests in Aerons.
Eero Juntilla
Eero Juntilla (translation: "Euro Giantilla") prepares to make kindling so that he might roast a wild boar to tide him over until the departmental tea.
Anne-Maj Laine
You see that shit she's holding? That's a pegleg. A fucking pirate's leg! Cross her and suffer the same face-cracking and subsequent skull-pegging that Cap'n Jack Rackham suffered from his own appendage before making his generous donation in kind to the school.
THE STRATEGISTS
Seppo Ikävalko
"The Baron," exuding stately pride over all that he surveys, descends from a long, esteemed line of Nordic Appalachians.
Marjatta Nurmikari-Berry
"The Matriarch." Through rigorous exercise, she keeps her spine so straight she will slip it out and harpoon you with it at the drop of a book. That book, incidentally, will not be one of the wisdom-infusing tomes on her head. They are attached.
Keijo Kinnunen
"The Thinker." Do not interupt him! He's busy thinking.
SPECIAL OPS
Kristian von Pfaler
West Side Choppers has nothing on this dude, who hand-crafts the fastest Vespas in Finland out of other Vespas and human teeth. Dare him to turn around and risk being blinded by "badditude" bejeweled onto the ass of his leather slacks.
Esa Kaven
"The Flash." He actually does not run very quickly, but do not try to serve him, for he will throw down cardboard and windmill your legs out from under you faster than you can say "The Fla." Ghetto Blaster not included.
Paula Mattsson
Avoid messing with, or looking directly at, Paula, whose implanted video screen will enslave your mind ALMOST as fast as her ego-withering glare. (Tweak the right knob, though, and guess what? Endless Tubby Custard!)
Don't even THINK the phrase "store-bought" in front of these crafters.
Posted by: carlin | January 16, 2007 at 05:24 PM
What about "home-schooled"?
Posted by: Matthew Hutson | January 16, 2007 at 05:36 PM
Why didn't you feature the woman holding a double-dildo in a pot? Her name is Ulla Seppälä-Kavén. She collects early recordings by Nana Mouskouri http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nana_Mouskouri and cleans her enormous spectacles with 100proof grain alcohol.
Posted by: mir | January 18, 2007 at 04:08 PM