SilverJacket

Books for Poors

Recently a friend asked me what I thought the tanking economy was going to do to the book industry. I said those Chicken Soup for the Soul books would probably get a sales boost, but everyone else is fucked. Well, except for me, because I'm publishing a new line of books modeled on the X for Dummies series. It's called X for Poors. Here's my first one: Wine for Poors.

Now taking suggestions. (Feng Shui for Poors? Like, which way should the entrance of your carboard box face?)

Do Not Want

Did you realize this stuff was on the market? Newman's Own raunch ranch flavored personal lubricant, "for tossing salads when your first course is intercourse."

Bytes for Bites

In 2005 I posted hyperbolic praise for Nicholas Negroponte's $100 laptop program that revealed my idealistic side. A more pragmatic response would be Bill Gates' "Be a Hero, Feed Your Family" program, in which the Gates Foundation offers poor hungry laptop recipients $100 in hard cash or food or vaccines for their colorful gadgets. ("...The 'Be a Hero' program will offer you valuable goods in exchange for your wonderful toy. As much as one hundred dollars, Abdul! Think! That is more than your Papa earned all last year!...")

The apocryphal plan reminds me of one of my favorite Sarah Silverman gags (as quoted in the NYer):

I, this past summer, sent fifteen really fun cowl-neck sweaters to this village in Africa, in really fun colors—expecting nothing, by the way—and they culled their money together, whatever they call it, and bought a stamp and sent me a postcard thanking me, and it said thank you and that they had enough sweaters for every single member of the village to get one and that they were delicious.

(P.S. Holly, I hope you do your yarn activities with the Tanzanian orphans *after* lunch.)

Little Buttery Sunshine

At a movie theater on Saturday night my sister suggested that I ingest the Olivio Buttery Spray on the counter, sans popcorn. In the course of my response I realized--with frustration--that one cannot pantomime such an act while simultaneously mimicking the "chh chh" sound that the act's requisite dispenser would make. Foiled!

Is that observation worth a blog post? Eh, fuck it.

BTW, the movie was Little Miss Sunshine, which I saw with the fam, appropriately. In my recollection, it's the only movie that has ever made me cry the normal way and then cry from laughter--like, actual tears on cheeks. Good times. (As you know, I'm a big fan of entertainment that elicits bodily functions.)

Godhead

Today, March 14, is Pi Day. (Get it? 3.14?)

Almost as exciting, today is also Steak and Blowjob Day. This year, I thought I might take the time to reflect on a Momus song titled "Coming In A Girl's Mouth." In the first line he asks, "What is the cultural meaning of coming in a girl's mouth?", and he spends the rest of the song trying to answer that question. A noble cause.

You must read the lyrics, but they alone do not convey the full brunt of the song's humor. The voice is soothing. The tone alternates between playful and heartfelt. I believe the main accompaniment is a toy harpsichord. Superficially, it could be a children's song. (It's even funnier when you know what the guy looks like. Here's a photo of Momus with my friend Ken.)

In any case, in light of the theological issues Momus raises, I asked a member of the clergy for comment on the lyrics. During our discussion, he noted that, in terms of filth, it is the one who ejaculates who would be considered dirty (temporarily), rather than the recipient. So the sperm consumer is "off the hook."

I concur.

Now, in light of the theological issues raised by 3.14159..., maybe I'll sit down and rewatch my DVD of Pi.

Frozen Dinner

Last night PBS broadcast an episode of NOVA titled "Deadly Ascent." The NOVA crew climbed Denali (Mt. McKinley) in Alaska with a team of researchers and mountaineers to figure out why our bodies break down at high altitudes and low temperatures.

The team carried lots of extra food in their packs, because a storm could pin them down for days. To make matters more volatile, the team included one Dr. Howard Donner. I could see it in their eyes: no one wanted to run out of munchies in the wilderness with a Donner.

Of course, their fears may have been unfounded. Last week a pair of archeologists revealed that they could find no evidence of cannibalism among the Donner Party. Using electron microscopes and DNA tests, they analyzed thousands of bone fragments at the Alder Creek campsite where the Donners spend 4 winter months in 1846-1847, but, alas, none of the bones belonged to people. The undramatic findings do not bode well for the archeologists' negotiations with CBS regarding the upcoming series CSI:Alder Creek.

Even without people eating people, the NOVA episode contains some level of adventure. But my favorite Denali account remains Art Davidson's autobiographical tale of the peak's first winter ascent. Even the book's title gives me the chills: Minus 148 Degrees. (That's with windchill, but still...)

[I feel somewhat odd categorizing a post about the Donner Party under "Travel" and "Food and Drink," but what's done is done.]