Conspiracy theorists drive me batty. They distract everyone from the truth. Like those people who think the government brought down the World Trade Center on September 11. When the real cover-up is much more subtle. Everything happened exactly as the government says it did… but on September 12. Memory is so malleable, we don’t even remember that. They shaped the media portrayals because it’s much easier to sell a war when the twin towers graphically line up with the date.
Yes, I’ve heard all the conspiracy theories about Michael Jackson. Murdered by Mark Sanford’s cronies to take the heat off the Argentina thing. Not really dead. Etc. All baloney. I’m something of a conspiracy theory debunker, and the facts are as plain as day. He overdosed on painkillers given to him by a doctor. One who happened to be in the deep pocket of the guy who’s been playing Paul McCartney every since Paul’s death in 1966. I mean that guy’s had a vendetta ever since Jackson bought the Beatles catalog and hawked use of “Come Together” to Elmer’s. I’d be pissed too.
Of course the other big conspiracy theory this summer was that Obama wasn’t born in the United States. That his birth certificate is as forged as the Constitution. What a joke. This one is the work of Tom Hanks, high on his blockbuster Da Vinci Code documentaries. His people are already developing a script. Word is that he’s in a race with Robert Downey, Jr. to break the blackface barrier at the Oscars.
Sarah Palin must have been relieved to have the attention taken off her. That lady is a speculator’s dream-come-true: Trig isn’t hers; she secretly reads the Times. Leaving the governor’s office has sparked more rumors than ever: she’s starting a WNBA franchise (the Wasilla Wombats); she was fired by Donald Trump (his Miss Universe Organization being the true power center of the New World Order); she hopes to make more money marketing a line of lipstick. Look, can’t we just stop assuming that there’s some elaborate conspiracy of detractors attempting to assassinate her reputation with lies, and just assume that there’s veracity to all of these claims? Occam’s razor, people.
And then with the 40th anniversary of the moon landing you had all these nut jobs doped up on fluoride claiming it was faked. I don’t believe it. Neither do I support Malcolm X’s contention that we never actually landed on Plymouth Rock. I have been to Plymouth, Massachusetts, and human civilization is clearly in evidence. Was he implying that all those souvenir shops selling pet Plymouth Rocks are staffed by space aliens? Perhaps suggesting that we didn’t land on the moon, but pieces of the moon have landed on us, sent through space from E.T. moon-miners to E.T. souvenir-vendors who pawn them off on us in an effort to increase the Earth’s mass so that it becomes too difficult for us to launch our fat asses out of Earth’s gravitational pull and discover their home world full of eager-tentacled virgins and glowing pet rocks?
No, no, no. Nothing will keep the Miss Universe Organization away from those tentacled virgins.
Recently a friend asked me what I thought the tanking economy was going to do to the book industry. I said those Chicken Soup for the Soul books would probably get a sales boost, but everyone else is fucked. Well, except for me, because I'm publishing a new line of books modeled on the X for Dummies series. It's called X for Poors. Here's my first one: Wine for Poors. Now taking suggestions. (Feng Shui for Poors? Like, which way should the entrance of your carboard box face?)
It's funny to me that Dan Ariely & co. are using HOTorNOT for research purposes. First, because I didn't realize that site was still around. Second, because a few years ago, when I was a HoN profile moderator (responsible for viewing people's submitted pics and personal statements and approving or rejecting them), I emailed a friend, "After painfully reading over 1000 profiles I think I could write a sociology dissertation on it." Also: "I have gained a tragic glimpse into the heart of human nature."
Focus on Hallucinogens: This is a little gem I've held onto since my friends Ken and Glen mailed it to me as part of a care package when I was working in Alaska after high school. It's from 1991 and out of print but still in near-perfect condition. I wrote children's science books for two years but never wrote one as fun or useful as this. It explains to 9-year-olds everything from neurons to shamans. Rad!
It's basically a My First Reader version of D.M. Turner's The Essential Psychedelic Guide, minus the special section on how much ketamine to inject when you're on DMT and nitrous. The prose is lucid, but the pictures crack me up. Take the cover. Look kids, in a drug free zone, you can do all kinds of things, like play tic-tac-toe. Or watch people play tic-tac-toe. And remember, friends don't let friends wear non-footie pants.
In some cases the book might be counterproductive: "Have you ever looked at yourself in an amusement park mirror? Look what happened to you! Now, try to imagine that the whole world looked that way to you." Awesome! Where can I get some?
The best pictures are in the chapter on LSD.
The text above this one reminds me of an Ali G interview with a drug expert:
Ali G: And what is its effects? Guy: You can go paranoid, which means you think people or things are coming at you. It makes your heart race. Your blood pressure can go low, so you can feel a bit woozy sometimes. It’s got a lot of medical effects on the body. Ali G: And is there any negative effects?
Ali G: Which is the type of acid that actually make you fly? Guy: No acid makes you fly. Acid can make you think you fly. Ali G: But ain't there one, cause me mate Dave said that he took this type, and he flew all around the room and then his mum told him to get some ciggies from the shop, and he actually flew there and flew back and was back in like five seconds or whatever, but he'd forgotten to buy ciggies.
This picture just makes me wonder what's wrong with this dude's friends. I mean, he's obviously flipping out about something, and they're just standing there waving at him with those shit-eating grins. Seriously kids, that is your brain on tic-tac-toe.