Magical thinking--typically considered an archaic mode of cognition that populates the world with animistic forces, hidden dimensions, and evocative incantations--may actually serve us well in the future as we navigate an existence increasingly mediated by digital information.
Read the full post at Brainstorm.
But there are several cases where we've already jumped the gun in attributing powers to our tech toys.
Considering how lazy many e-daters are, and how clever many other e-daters are, it should come as no surprise that plagiarism runs rampant in the online dating world. On Friday the Wall Street Journal reported on copycat personal profiles, mentioning that in one survey 9% of respondents admitted to lifting material from someone else, and that lines from some sources appear on dozens of people's profile pages. In some cases people cop to lack of imagination, but I suspect in others people subconsciously appropriate the sentiments behind the words so as to justify their claims of authorship.
Everything I need to know about the internets I learned from Gabe and Max.
After using the program advertised above, though, I still had one burning question: "Exactly how many internets are there? Which one works best with Binary?" I guess that's two.
Anywho, Gabe and Max were nice enough to provide an answer: five.
This IM chat just happened.
friend: woo hoo only 4 more days
me: YES
friend: do you have plans?
me: actually, now that i know what you're talking about, replace that YES with a meh [definition]
friend: you do not know what i'm talking about
friend: whatever you think i'm talking about, this is more important
me: presidents day
friend: oh wow, i didn't even realize they coincided
me: yes all the presidents coincide on that one special day
me: it makes the tides extra high
friend: even president neap?
me: is that real?
friend: since you asked...
friend: only four days
friend: until
friend: the dvd
friend: release of
friend: RENT
friend: we can watch it whenever!
me: replace my meh with a feh [definition]
friend: how do you spell that?
friend: with an "eh"?
me: yes
me: both etymologically distinct from teh [definition]
friend: indo european roots
friend: ?
me: teh has haxor rOOts
friend: you do
me: nah
For a few years there has been a recipe on the Internet that describes how to cook an egg using two mobile phones. Here it is. Basically, you place two phones on a table, place an egg between their antennae, and call one phone from the other. Assuming a power output of two watts, the egg should be cooked in three minutes. Oh, you're also supposed to play a radio in the background at "a comfortable volume."
As far as comedy goes, this piece is pretty dry. I can see people missing the joke completely. (Especially those suspicious that cell phones cause cancer or harm chakras.) Well, it has been making the rounds again, and I was surprised this week to find that a couple of my favorite bloggers who happen to write professionally about science and technology are among those who missed the joke. (I will not name names, as they have already been shamed by their readers.)
Okay, without doing any research whatsoever, here are three easy ways to use your own common sense to debunk the hoax.
1.) If mobile phone antennae can cook an egg, why don't you feel the slightest heat from them on your ear after using them for even an hour? You're better off using heat from the battery.
2.) Microwave ovens have several HUNDRED watts, and THEY take several minutes to cook an egg. How could a phone cook one in the same time with two watts?
3.) Have you heard of cell phone towers? Cell phones communicate with them. Cell phones do not communicate directly with each other. That's what walkie-talkies do. (Bonus, not as obvious: Cell phones don't send data solely in a straight line to cell towers either. Do RAZRs have homing devices that know where the towers are and aim transmission straight to them as you bumble about? No, they emit signals in all directions.)
If you do a little Googling, you'll find more technical reasons why the gag won't work, but any one of the above three should be sufficient.
So before you go fiddling with the radio stations on your hifi, wondering why your egg is still cold (would smooth jazz work better?), please recognize that not everything you read on the Internets is true. And if you're really worried about brain tumors, forget phone phobia and stay the hell away from any radio playing Beyoncé's new single, "Check On It". That shit is toxic.
Remember the LeTigre clothing line? Those Izod wannabe's from the near side of the pond? They're attempting a comeback [pun intended. pun will become clear later.] but seem to be struggling with their identity. Go to their homepage and scroll through the marketing wankery. It begins: "LeTigre is an American classic..." and ends: "Sported by American icons such as Ronald Reagan, Wilt Chamberlain, Peter North, and LL Cool J, LeTigre is worn today by YOU!"
An odd collection of characters. Wait, Peter North? Hmmm... let's Google him. Whoa, Nelly! Um, maybe there is another Peter North, one who is obscured on Google by the popularity of certain recreational bodily functions. So we go to Wikipedia's Peter North disambiguation page. Well, there's the first one, and then the only other options are a Canuck and a Limey. Looks like we had the right guy.
So what does LeTigre want with Peter North? It kind of puts a different spin on their interpretation of iconic Americana, but Wilt and LL "Big Ole Butt" Cool J do indeed seem to fit that picture. With Reagan, it's more of a linguistic metaphor. With the screwing of the masses, and all of that.
If you click on the "Contest" link, it takes you to http://www.collegehumor.com/hottestgirl/. So that's LeTigre's intended audience: young males, who we know are horndogs. But still, I can't believe this knowing wink, this most rancid of Easter eggs, really made it past LeTigre's PR office. Oh well. Ronald Reagan and Peter North. Two great communicators, brought together by style.
update:
It all makes sense. It's been suggested to me that LeTigre isn't aligning itself with the likes of Izod (and J. Crew and Polo). They just have a slightly preppier take on the American Apparel manifesto: using porn to go after the hipster ironist.
Why do we buy furniture? To have sex on, right? Right. Finally a furniture seller has faced up to reality and offered a web interface that lets you animate people having sex on their wares. This is shopper-centric merchandising without the BS.
Tok&Stok, Brazil's answer to Crate&Barrel, provides for your enjoyment three tables, three couches, a beanbag chair, and what look to be two dog beds(!). Fun for the whole family...
Under the description of each item, there are five "Suggestions of use." You've got your doggy style, your 69, your reverse cowgirl, and a few other standards (and exotics) I don't recall the names of. (The muscle memory is strong though.) Take your pick and watch Moby and Sinead O'Connor rub naughty bits right there. In case they didn't include your favorite Kama Sutra position, there's a SuperSpecialBonusFeature that I just LURVE. Click on "my own style" and play with 27 variables, creating the most bizarro antigravity freakazoid borderline-non-Euclidean mf lovemonkeyness you can fathom. (You cannot, however, toggle off the damn floating hearts.)
Presumably they created their Valentines Book of Styles after receiving too much icky returned merchandise or witnessing too many unmentionable incidents on floor demos. "Try before you buy"? Not so much. "Um, yeah, Union of the Tiger isn't compatible with these arm rests. Oh, sorry if the cushions are stuck together."
update:
My friend Jack--who is a chaplain and a grandfather--looked at the site and wrote: "I enjoyed the furniture thing but thought it was not very diverse. In Massachusetts we would hope the narrowness of heterosexuality would not be celebrated."
Indeed. At Brown we would have called it heteronormative. At Brown that's about the worst insult there is.
Top ten spammer names in my inbox for the month of July:
10. Thumbtack K. Population
9. Employees V. Shaver
8. Sweatier C. Anthropomorphism
7. Disagreeing R. Freakiest
6. Seediness O. Obstetric
5. Diagrammatic J. Kibitzed
4. Presidency T. Chumminess
3. Grammatical B. Boneless
2. Funeral O. Undershorts
[drumroll]
1. Cupsful J. Tightwad
Congratulations, Cupsful!
Join me next month for the August edition. The competition looks heavy already.
Today I salute you, fellow Matt Hutson, commander of the Sa'cea Tau army. (That is Hutson's army for playing Warhammer 40,000.)
According to Wikipedia, Warhammer 40,000 is a "science fiction tabletop miniature wargame." I think that means people get together with their tiny soldiers, roll dice, and move the delicately painted figurines around on a table until someone wins somehow. Also according to Wikipedia, specifically its thorough coverage of Warhammer 40,000, someone who contributes to Wikipedia has a raging hardon for Warhammer 40,000.
Here is Hutson's vivid description of his battle experience with the Sa'cea Tau army:
So far I've played three games with this army. The first game I played was against Graham Davey's Chaos Space Marine army. Unfortunately a Bloodthirster appeared right in front of my army, charging me before I had a chance to shoot it. There was little I could do after that as it munched my Broadsides and Fire Warriors severely weakening my firepower. In my second game however, also against Graham, the Bloodthirster appeared quite far away allowing me to take it out in one turn. Of particular note in this game was my Stealthsuit team that wiped out a unit of Khorne Berzerkers in just one turn. My most recent game was in the Studio Cityfight campaign against Ian Vincent's Eldar. In the mission I had to take a building from the enemy. I used a huge unit of Kroot to take the building while all my Tau units poured shots into the building. By turn four I had managed to wipe out almost all of the Eldar to give the Tau a decisive victory.
Boyakasha! Brings back memories of my college-era bar brawls. With such glorious success, Matt, it's no wonder you sit atop all Matt Hutsons on the Google heap. You make us proud! Keep reaching for those stars!
