Chucknorrisfacts.com is a list of hyberbolic factoids enumerating how Chuck Norris can manifest paradoxes and intimidate God, often with the use of his trusty roundhouse kick.
A couple nights ago my friend Liz and I got wacky on IM and started trading new ones back and forth. I've salvaged a few of mine, fixed the typos, and decided to add them to the canon. Read on for the semi-humorous sleep-deprivation-supplied souvenirs.
•There was once a drink called a Chuck Norris. It had 4 ounces of vodka in it. No one drinks it anymore because that's a lot of vodka in one drink.
•If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris," they spell "Shannon Doherty."
•If Chuck Norris were to cry, his tears would cry too, because he would punch the first tears for embarrassing him.
•Chuck Norris is so virile he once impregnated himself just by thinking about a stapler. The he started kicking himself in the abdomen to induce miscarriage. After that, he ate the fetus. And the stapler.
•If Chuck Norris were a show on VH1 he would be "I love the Chuck Norrises." He would also be "CSI: Chuck Norris," even though that should be on CBS.
•When Chuck Norris sneezes, instead of sounding like "achoo" it sounds like Metallica's "Enter Sandman."
•Chuck Norris spells punctuation "punch-you-ation."
•What is the sound of one hand punching? Ask the Big Bang. (The Big Bang will say, "Ask Chuck Norris." (Do no ask Chuck Norris. He might hit you in the face!!!))
•Chuck Norris is so booksmart he scored an 1150 on his SAT even though he missed one of his Kaplan tutoring sessions. (It was the final session that he missed, because he kicked the tutor and got booted out of the program. But the tutor was being an ass.)
•Chuck Norris keeps a healthy heart by exercising. He's done so many situps that he has a 6.5-pack.
•Chuck Norris gargles with magma. But afterwards he gargles with Listerine because magma leaves a supernasty aftertaste. After that he gargles with Scope because Listerine kinda stings too.
•When Chuck Norris pisses into a cup, it burns a hole right through the paper Dixie cup. And even though some urine gets on his hands, he doesn't wash them because he's so macho.
•Chuck Norris puts the fist in anal fistula. Afterwards, he doesn't wash his fist because he's so macho.
Feel free to add your own in the comments section... Chuck Norris says it's ok.
Chuck Norris waits for the "don't walk" signal at intersections before crossing.
Posted by: Ken | January 21, 2006 at 10:49 PM
if you put this one;
"If Chuck Norris were to cry, his tears would cry too, because he would punch the first tears for embarrassing him."
on a tee-shirt I would buy it - for reals.
Posted by: mir | January 22, 2006 at 02:24 AM
Mt. Everest is one of Chuck Norris' balls.
(That was my favorite of yours, I don't know why you didn't salvage it, fix the typos, and add it to the canon. When Chuck Norris and I get wacky and start trading new ones back and forth, the new ones he trades are kicks and punches, and he salvages all of them, fixes none, and loads them all in a cannon.)
Posted by: Liz | January 22, 2006 at 10:36 AM
My favorite of Liz's:
"CN tells people his insane SAT score is the combination of two separate testings to make them feel better... CN's SAT score was the combination of 0 testings."
Or maybe:
"a girl i work with drank her own urine once"
Oh, wait, that came after we changed the subject. Scratch that.
Posted by: Matt Hutson | January 22, 2006 at 09:57 PM
the bassline to "under pressure," by Queen and David Bowie, also used in Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby," is actually a recording of Chuck's guts when he has gas.
Posted by: joe | January 23, 2006 at 12:47 AM
"Chuck Norris can manifest paradoxes and intimidate God, often with the use of his trusty roundhouse kick."
Yeah, but McGyver can do that with a stick of chewing gum and an inch of twine!
Posted by: Jenn aka JeSais aka SushiSlut | January 24, 2006 at 09:57 PM
Chuck Norris gave birth to himself, and then immediately roundhouse kicked himself for forgetting to take his birth control.
Posted by: Kent Roberts | January 26, 2006 at 10:57 PM
"Chuck Norris counted to infinity, twice."
Posted by: Duke | February 01, 2006 at 03:29 PM
only chuck norris can touch mc Hammer
Posted by: ga | December 08, 2006 at 05:28 AM
People workout on a bowflex, and a bowflexs workouts on Chuck Norris
Posted by: southpaw | April 09, 2007 at 12:10 AM
there is only one state, the state of being knocked the fuck out by chuck norris
Posted by: tooboy | April 09, 2007 at 12:13 AM
Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting...Chuck Norris goes killing...
and
When the Boogie Man goes to bed at night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Posted by: AustinBri | October 29, 2007 at 10:15 PM
chuck norris dosen't sleep, he waits
Posted by: brandon webb | March 28, 2008 at 01:36 PM
tidal waves arent created by earthquakes, they are created when chuck norris does a cannon ball
Posted by: brandon webb | March 28, 2008 at 01:40 PM
They once made chuck norris toilet paper, but it wouldn`t take shit from anyone
Posted by: Peter Meijer | October 10, 2009 at 11:37 PM
When Chuck Norris does a push up, its the Earth that moves.
Posted by: eric | January 20, 2010 at 08:57 PM
tidal waves arent created by earthquakes, they are created when chuck norris does a cannon ball
Posted by: runes of magic gold | June 11, 2010 at 09:32 AM
"Chuck Norris doesn't need to minimize programs to see the desktop, Chuck Norris sees all."
This is my current favorite fact about Chuck Norris. Another thing is, growing up watching his appearances and the movie "Way of the Dragon" opposite Bruce Lee impresses me a lot more. Come on, it is a battle between East and West, Kung-Fu versus Karate. Still, they are both awesome.
Posted by: Timothy Eastwood | February 25, 2011 at 01:31 AM