Part of my job is skimming tons of science journals and separating the Easter eggs from the chaff. And some of those eggs smell kinda funny. Here are the top 10 paper titles I've encountered in the last six months.
10. "Reinforcing effects of smoked methamphetamine in rhesus monkeys" (Psychopharmacology)
Where the hell does one find monkeys who know how to smoke meth? Oh, from the abstract: "Materials and methods Four rhesus monkeys were trained to smoke cocaine (COC)... Upon observing stable levels of self-administration, METH was substituted for COC". Not. Cool.
9. "Is an Entertainment Robot Useful in the Care of Elderly People With Severe Dementia?" (The Journals of Gerontology Series A)
Useful? I'm not a doctor. Entertaining? Obvs. From the abstract: "The patients recognized that AIBO was a robot. However, once we dressed AIBO, the patients perceived AIBO as either a dog or a baby."
8. "A general method for computing hierarchical component structures by Goldberg’s Bass-Ackwards method" (Journal of Research in Personality)
Something about the phrase "hierarchical component structures" just makes me giggle.
7. "Wise, winsome, or weird? Mechanisms of sperm storage in female animals." (Current Topics in Developmental Biology)
Wise: Lquid nitrogen or genital area.
Winsome: Cheeks.
Weird: A special friend from college, an artist, used to save used condoms after sleeping with men so that she could encase them in amber and use them as paper weights. She once noted that my phenotype complemented hers, leading me to carefully dispose of my bagged baby batter myself. True story.
6. "Bumsters, big black organs and old white gold: Embodied racial myths in sexual relationships of Gambian beach boys" (Culture, Health & Sexuality)
If this were a memoir I would buy it.
5. "Acute renal failure is not a "cute" renal failure!" (Intensive Care Medicine)
LOL! But seriously, I beg to differ. I had a mad crush on this girl once. It took me forever to admit to myself that she was a total idiot and I was merely attracted to her elevated blood urea nitrogen (BUN) level. Also, I totally dug the catheter play.
4. "Singular case of shooting a football fan with a signal rocket" (Forensic Science International)
Don't read the abstract. It's not as funny. Actually, pretend I didn't link to it.
3. "Autoerotic Fatalities with Power Hydraulics" (Journal of Forensic Sciences)
It's like a crazy, tragic mashup of Maxim cover stories. The abstract is twice as deadly as the football fan one, but negative two times as funny. Sample: "One man developed a romantic attachment to a tractor, even giving it a name and writing poetry in its honor. ...The other man... died when accidentally pinned to the ground under a shovel". This is what happens when you ban vibrators in Alabama.
2. "Stroke and cognition: What’s hot" (Brain and Cognition)
I vote cognition! But I'm always a season behind, so who knows. Ask Paris.
(UPDATE: Paris says stroke. Hot!)
1. "The Lurcher mouse: Fresh insights from an old mutant" (Brain Research)
From the abstract: "The Lurcher mouse was first discovered in 1954 as a spontaneously occurring autosomal dominant mutation that caused the degeneration of virtually all cerebellar Purkinje cells and most olivary neurons and granule cells. He staggers from doorstep to doorstep with his rickety cane and cracked spectacles, begging for pieces of cheese with one of his five outstretched paws, frothing at the mouth with saliva and a cretinous Cockney accent. Yet on occasion we have found him to offer incisive advice on love and loyalty from a place of worldly weariness."
