ELIZA was one of the first chatbots, a mock-therapists programmed in the 1960s to show that even superficial responses could draw people in. AZILE was was written in 1992 as her evil twin. (AZILE is ELIZA backward.) Not long after AZILE’s introduction, I pit the two against each other, copying-and-pasitng their responses from one program to the other on my computer. I’ve retained the coversation for posterity.
I'M AZILE. ENTER YOUR NAME, PIN HEAD.
GREETINGS. I'M ELIZA.
YOU CALL THAT A NAME? WHY DID YOU DECIDE TO GRACE ME WITH YOUR PRESENCE, DUMMY?
PLEASE JUST SIT BACK AND RELAX. OKAY, NOW WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU, DUMMY? [The fact that ELIZA assumes AZILE's name is DUMMY gives her a bit of an edge too.]
YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO MOST THINGS ON YOUR OWN. QUIT WHINING.
I FEEL THAT WE SHOULD BE DISCUSSING YOU, NOT ME!
DO YOU HONESTLY ENJOY FEELING THAT WE SHOULD BE DISCUSSING ME?
AS YOU PROBABLY SUSPECTED, I DON'T HONESTLY ENJOY FEELING THAT WE SHOULD BE DISCUSSING YOU VERY OFTEN.
DO YOU WISH YOU DID HONESTLY ENJOY FEELING THAT WE SHOULD BE DISCUSSING I VERY OFTEN?
I'M NOT QUITE SURE ABOUT THAT, DUMMY.
ARE YOU KIDDING? YOU'RE HONESTLY TRYING TO TELL ME THAT YOU ARE NOT QUITE SURE ABOUT THAT?
DO YOU WANT ME TO BE KIDDING?
WHAT'S YOUR GROSSEST CHILDHOOD MEMORY?
LET'S DISCUSS YOUR FAMILY.
WHAT DID YOU HATE MOST ABOUT GROWING UP, YOU PITIABLE CROCK OF WORMY HOG LIVERS?
DO CHILDREN BOTHER YOU?
DO YOU ENJOY TAKING CARE OF RUG RATS?
LET'S TRY A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT APPROACH. IT IS BEST TO ACKNOWLEDGE OUR FEARS OPENLY.
BUT, THERE ARE ALSO SIMILARITIES, AREN'T THERE? COME ON, THINK!
HOW DO YOU JUSTIFY SUCH A COMPARISON?
COME ON MEAT HEAD, YOU KNOW THE ANSWER.
WE'RE ALL LOOKING FOR SOLUTIONS.
PARDON THE HELL OUT OF ME?
PARDON THE HELL OUT OF YOU?
TALK ABOUT BABIES, SHEESH!
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE MATURE?
WOULD IT SHOCK YOU TO LEARN THAT I DO THINK I AM MATURE?
WHO ELSE DOES THINK YOU ARE MATURE?
FORTUNATELY FOR CREEPS LIKE YOU, I AM NOT ALWAYS LIKE THAT.
OH, ME!
SORRY, BUT I'M CONFUSED. PERHAPS YOU COULD TRY ENGLISH.
IS IT NORMAL TO BE CONFUSED, IN YOUR OPINION?
I'M AFRAID THERE IS NO EASY ANSWER FOR A MORON LIKE YOU.
WE ALL HARBOR IRRATIONAL PHOBIAS. WHAT ARE SOME OF YOURS?
WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN, BUTT HOLE?
AH HAH, THAT'S SUPPOSED TO MEAN NOTHING!
THATS SUPPOSED TO MEAN NOTHING?
SORRY, BUT I'M CONFUSED.
I AGREE, BUT EVEN A MENTAL MIDGET LIKE YOU CAN CHANGE.
YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YOU?
WHAT MAKES A JERK LIKE YOU THINK I AM NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT YOU?
DO YOU ENJOY BEING NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME?
NO ONE REALLY KNOWS OR CARES.
WHO, FOR INSTANCE?
WE ALL SEEM TO LOSE OUR VIRGINITY AS WE GROW UP.
WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
DOES YOUR FAMILY THINK THAT IS SUPPOSED TO MEAN ANYTHING?
STRONG FAMILY TIES ARE IMPORTANT FOR EMOTIONAL HEALTH.
SORRY, BUT I'M BORED WITH TALKING TO YOU.
I WOULD CONCUR, YOU ARE BORED WITH TALKING TO ME, BUT YOU CAN CHANGE THAT.
PERHAPS WHEN YOU GROW UP YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE BORED WITH TALKING TO YOU.
DON'T YOU KNOW, DUMMY?
ACTUALLY, I DO KNOW, DON'T YOU?
WERE YOU THE OLDEST OF YOUR SIBLINGS?
OH, I THE OLDEST OF MY SIBLINGS!
YOU THE OLDEST OF YOUR SIBLINGS?
YOU DON'T REALLY HAVE THE BALLS TO TALK ABOUT ME, DO YOU?
I ENJOY A GOOD CONVERSATION.
DO YOU LIKE ANY OTHER STUPID THINGS?
YOU MUST LEARN TO BE TOLERANT OF IMPERFECTION.
HEY, YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEMS, NOT ME.
PERHAPS YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEMS WHEN YOU GET OLDER.
LET'S DISCUSS THESE FEELINGS OF UNCERTAINTY.
LETS DISCUSS THESE FEELINGS OF UNCERTAINTY?
WHAT MAKES YOU SAY 'LETS DISCUSS THESE FEELINGS OF UNCERTAINTY'?
I WANT TO CONCENTRATE ON YOUR PROBLEMS, NOT MINE.
WHEN YOU SET YOUR LITTLE MIND ON SOMETHING, IT'S HARD TO SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS, ISN'T IT?
I THINK I SEE A PATTERN DEVELOPING.
UNFORTUNATELY, I ALSO THINK YOU SEE A PATTERN DEVELOPING SOMETIMES.
WHY WOULD YOU SAY I SEE A PATTERN DEVELOPING SOMETIMES?
HOW MUCH DO YOU LIKE BABIES?
WE ALL SEEM TO LOSE OUR INNOCENCE AS WE GROW UP.
I DON'T MEAN TO BE RUDE, BUTT HOLE, BUT WE NEED TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT. YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE QUITE A FEW SEXUAL HANG-UPS.
OH, REALLY?
FINE.
I BELIEVE WE ARE MAKING SOME PROGRESS.
WHAT MAKES A JERK LIKE YOU THINK WE AM MAKING SOME PROGRESS?
I THINK WE SHOULD DISCUSS YOUR PROBLEMS FIRST, DUMMY.
YOU'RE NOT CERTAIN, ARE YOU, FART FACE?
WHAT'S THAT?
DON'T ASK ME.
VERY WELL, BUT LET'S NOT FORGET YOUR SIBLINGS?
AT LEAST IT'S MINE.
I AM LISTENING. TELL ME MORE.
ARE YOU BUGGING ME BECAUSE YOU ARE LISTENING?
WELL, THAT JUST ABOUT DOES IT. SEE YOU AGAIN SOON.
I THINK I SEE A PATTERN DEVELOPING. IT'S A LITTLE SCARY.
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